awake, fiction excerpt

They did not talk to me, they did not adopt me as their friend and benefactor. And why should they? If I credited them with any humanlike behavior I would have to ask myself indeed why they should decide to become friends with me just because I kept them captive in my world. Where were they meant to be born, I suddenly wondered? Was there a place that would have felt natural for them? I thought about my dreams of the lake. The whisper had started again. Phoebe would have maybe understood their conversation. Maybe it was not her age though, maybe it was because she was not responsible for their situation. Then again, these creatures would not even exist if I had not brought them home and built them a nursery. They would still be but shimmering pearls in a paper envelope. And yet, I asked myself, who would choose non-existence over an existence in the wrong place? Who was to say what the right place was, anyways? Chances are that we are born into a fairly hostile environment. Chances are that conditions for survival right where we are born are not what we would wish them to be. Is it a consolation to have made it into life when life turns out to be such a confined, maybe painful experience? My head was spinning once again. Every human, I could imagine, would defend the narrow space they had carved out simply by coming into life. Most humans probably felt that a fellow human was entitled to circumstances that enabled her to have a basic decent life. But who was to be held responsible to give it to them? These thoughts were entirely too big for a lonely fourteen year old sitting up at night. But for once I just endured them. These thoughts were too big, but I held them in my mind for a while as I was watching the grey light. I think I was growing that night just by enduring the thoughts I was too young to have. The whisper changed as I was watching. If I couldn’t make out words I did feel something like a pattern, a rhythm in the restless sounds. And finally something like a melody emerged, not based on any harmonic scale I knew but somehow comprehensible to my sense of musical logic non-the-less.

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